She walked to the front of the room and slid a daisy into the vase.  Speaking softly, almost as if to the flower, she murmured, “For my dear mother who passed away two months ago.”  I was on the second row, about to sing with a small group at this hospice memorial service.  The poignant flower ritual was designed to honor and remember the deceased.

The vase eventually filled to overflowing - each flower representing a life lived.  I had a flash that one day, perhaps, my loved ones would place just such a flower in a vase to represent my life on earth.

Isn’t it easy, I mused, to lose perspective. How often do we get caught up in the daily dramas of ordinary living:  kids growing up, financial transactions, business deals, and the minor bruises of living.  Isn’t it easy to ‘forget’ that the biggest transition of them all - from life to death - could come anytime, with or without warning?

So, let us stop and savor life . . why wait for our loved ones to honor us when we are gone?  Let us resolve to breathe in the full spectrum of being and unfurl into the moment, one petal at a time.  Yes, one day we will be remembered, a daisy in a vase.  Today, however, is our time to bloom.

Expcerpted from the Newsletter,

“Still Waters:  Tools and Resources for Living Deeply”

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW is the author of

“Shortcuts to Inner Peace: 70 Paths to Everyday Serenity”

and

“Transcending Loss:  Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make it Meaningful”

They come to the site broken by life, hearts crushed by emotional pain.  They have lost siblings, spouses, children, parents, best friends and lovers.  They come seeking support, assurance that they are not alone in their unbearable grief.

Two years ago, I began a “Transcending Loss” Facebook page.  Today, over 10,000 grievers from across the globe have joined in a collective sharing of the human condition.  And I have the profound privilege of connecting with them.

My heart is not only humbled by the rawness of human suffering but also uplifted by the presence of a courageous, resilient spirit.  I have always known that loss is the inevitable price tag for living, but knowing of its certainty does not make the experience easier to accept.

There is, however, another certainty:  Deep love never ceases - it transcends death.  You might call this fact the unexpected fine print, the loophole to what would otherwise be an intolerable contract.  We feel like we are parted from our loved ones by death - and yes, physically we are - but we need to remember that the gift of love continues even as the form of love changes.

Sarah sat across from me with tears streaming down her face.  Her husband was killed in a car accident three years ago and now she had entered into the first romantic relationship since her husband’s death.  “I don’t understand how I can love someone new when I still love my husband.”

It’s true that Sarah’s love for her husband will be ever vibrant.  That love has infused itself into her being, allowing her to be the person she has become.  One task of healthy grieving is to cultivate a sustained relationship with the one who has died, an ongoing connection based on spirit and memory.

And yet it’s also true that Sarah’s relationship with her husband has changed.  Because his physical form is gone, she has space to create new physical relationships.  Even as she does this, she brings her husband’s love along with her.  

As she wiped her tears away, Sarah reflected, “I guess my husband opened my heart and now, it’s my choice to keep it open.”  Bringing the love and lessons of the past into the present, and then carrying them into the future is part of our journey as we grieve, grow, love, and continue to embrace life.

Expcerpted from the Newsletter,

 “Still Waters:  Tools and Resources for Living Deeply”

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW is the author of

“Shortcuts to Inner Peace: 70 Paths to Everyday Serenity”

and

 “Transcending Loss:  Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make it Meaningful”

I watched, amused, as the young man spoke through gritted teeth, “Just take the picture!”  This man-child had his arm around his mother’s shoulders while his father snapped a picture saying, “You don’t start college every day, you know.  Smile.”  The younger man sighed with exasperation and walked briskly away, “No more pictures!”
 
This scene repeated itself across the campus as sentimental parents moved their children into dorm rooms.  The parents around me reluctantly pushed their offspring out of the nest even as the children were delighted to test their wings at last.
 
I too watched, misty eyed, as my daughter Elizabeth waved me off without the tiniest shred of ambivalence.  I was grieving even as my daughter was celebrating.  For me, a life chapter was ending; for Elizabeth, a new chapter shimmered enticingly before her. What would my new chapter look like?
 
The next day she called me, not to tell me she was homesick but to share her excitement.  As we chatted, I didn’t notice any of the ‘quit bugging me’ mentality that had shaded our interactions over the last few years.  In fact, I found her quite likeable . . . as if she was a new friend.  Hmmmm.  I think I’m going to like this new chapter, afterall. 

Expcerpted from the Newsletter,

 “Still Waters:  Tools and Resources for Living Deeply”

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW is the author of

“Shortcuts to Inner Peace: 70 Paths to Everyday Serenity”

and

 “Transcending Loss:  Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make it Meaningful”

I placed a phone call to an elderly woman who was recently widowed.  When the answering machine picked up, I didn’t hear the customary greeting of “We’re not home; leave a message.”  Instead, I heard a voice say boldly, “Donald left this earth on February 26^th but I’m happy to say that we had thirty-three wonderful years together and I will always be grateful for those years.  Please leave a message.”

This message was not only open about death, but it was also full of gratitude for life.  I was struck by her willingness to hold her grief and love simultaneously.  Most people associate grief with only deep sorrow and overwhelming pain.  This widow stood in the dark and looked out into the light of love.

I often pose this question to grievers: if you could eliminate all of your heartache and grief, but in exchange you had to erase the relationship that

photo by Rick Evans

 brought you so much happiness, would you want this bargain?  The answer is unilaterally “no.”  No one would ever give up the love in order to give up the pain.

Grief is always attached to a deep love, a special relationship, a dear gift. Our gratitude for the love that was, the love that is, and the love that will always be forms a web of strength that grows in intensity. When we shift our attention from loss to the love that endures, a spirit of gratefulness begins to bloom.  

Expcerpted from the Newsletter,

 “Still Waters:  Tools and Resources for Living Deeply”

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW is the author of

 “Transcending Loss:  Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make it Meaningful”

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