I placed a phone call to an elderly woman who was recently widowed.  When the answering machine picked up, I didn’t hear the customary greeting of “We’re not home; leave a message.”  Instead, I heard a voice say boldly, “Donald left this earth on February 26^th but I’m happy to say that we had thirty-three wonderful years together and I will always be grateful for those years.  Please leave a message.”

This message was not only open about death, but it was also full of gratitude for life.  I was struck by her willingness to hold her grief and love simultaneously.  Most people associate grief with only deep sorrow and overwhelming pain.  This widow stood in the dark and looked out into the light of love.

I often pose this question to grievers: if you could eliminate all of your heartache and grief, but in exchange you had to erase the relationship that

photo by Rick Evans

 brought you so much happiness, would you want this bargain?  The answer is unilaterally “no.”  No one would ever give up the love in order to give up the pain.

Grief is always attached to a deep love, a special relationship, a dear gift. Our gratitude for the love that was, the love that is, and the love that will always be forms a web of strength that grows in intensity. When we shift our attention from loss to the love that endures, a spirit of gratefulness begins to bloom.  

Expcerpted from the Newsletter,

 “Still Waters:  Tools and Resources for Living Deeply”

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW is the author of

 “Transcending Loss:  Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make it Meaningful”

 To order a copy Click Here

I’m a Gleek, a devoted fan of the Fox show “Glee.”  I’ve been watching avidly for two years.  Although it’s a musical drama about a high school glee club, they sensitively tackle serious subjects like bullying, homosexuality, teen pregnancy, divorce, and now death.

As a grief therapist, I was curious to see how they might treat this subject in the most recent episode, “Funeral.”  Sue Sylvester (the viciously cruel gym teacher) lost her beloved sister and was devastated.  She shut down in her pain. (more…)

She picked up one item after another, swiping each barcode across the glass surface.  I thought to myself, this woman . . . this stranger across from me, employee in a drug store, has a mother. 

It is my habit, one of my shortcuts to inner peace, to look at the employees in stores, banks and coffee shops, and ask them in my mind, “Who is your mother?”  In that brief moment of awareness when I recognize our common humanity, that we are each born of a woman’s body, my heart is opened. (more…)

Sylvia, my client of several months, sat across from me, clearly agitated. This forty-something woman, mother of two teenage boys, going through a divorce but still living under the same roof with her soon-to-be-ex, crossed her denim clad legs exclaiming, “I’m SOOOO stressed out!”

“Have you ever tried meditation?” I asked.  After practicing meditation for quite a few years myself, I was convinced that it could help her.  But I was also ready for her response. (more…)

I recently attended a professional conference about couples and attachment theory.  One casual, off-handed comment by the presenter stuck in my mind.  She said, “It matters how you greet your spouse at the end of the day – is your head down texting or do you really welcome each other?”Every day we have a precious opportunity to reconnect with our honey and yet, we mostly take it for granted.  “Hi dear, where’s the mail?”  “Hi dear, you deal with the kids cuz I’m exhausted.”  “Hey, did you pay the mortgage today?”  I bet that many of us are met more enthusiastically by the family dog than by our own partner. (more…)