The vase eventually filled to overflowing - each flower representing a life lived.  I had a flash that one day, perhaps, my loved ones would place just such a flower in a vase to represent my life on earth.

Isn’t it easy, I mused, to lose perspective. How often do we get caught up in the daily dramas of ordinary living:  kids growing up, financial transactions, business deals, and the minor bruises of living.  Isn’t it easy to ‘forget’ that the biggest transition of them all - from life to death - could come anytime, with or without warning?

So, let us stop and savor life . . why wait for our loved ones to honor us when we are gone?  Let us resolve to breathe in the full spectrum of being and unfurl into the moment, one petal at a time.  Yes, one day we will be remembered, a daisy in a vase.  Today, however, is our time to bloom.

Expcerpted from the Newsletter,

“Still Waters:  Tools and Resources for Living Deeply”

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW is the author of

“Shortcuts to Inner Peace: 70 Paths to Everyday Serenity”

and

“Transcending Loss:  Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make it Meaningful”

Two years ago, I began a “Transcending Loss” Facebook page.  Today, over 10,000 grievers from across the globe have joined in a collective sharing of the human condition.  And I have the profound privilege of connecting with them.

My heart is not only humbled by the rawness of human suffering but also uplifted by the presence of a courageous, resilient spirit.  I have always known that loss is the inevitable price tag for living, but knowing of its certainty does not make the experience easier to accept.

There is, however, another certainty:  Deep love never ceases - it transcends death.  You might call this fact the unexpected fine print, the loophole to what would otherwise be an intolerable contract.  We feel like we are parted from our loved ones by death - and yes, physically we are - but we need to remember that the gift of love continues even as the form of love changes.

I was attending a conference on couples counseling and attachment theory.  The presenter was quite engaging and made an off-handed comment about a couple with whom she was working.  She said that the wife claims that when her husband comes home from work, he greets the dog more enthusiastically than he greets her.

Sadly, I was able to imagine the same for myself.  There have been days when I would come home and greet my dog Hickory with energetic abandon but greet Daniel with only a cursory ‘hi’.

Compare these two greetings:

Me: “Hey buddy!  How’s my handsome boy?”

Him: He wags his tail good naturedly, jumps on me, licks my face, and beckons me to the floor where I rub his belly and laugh while he kicks his legs.

versus:

Me: “Hi – did you pay the mortgage?  It’s due tomorrow.”

Him: Silence.  “Uhh, I thought you were taking care of it.”

Yep, guilty.  And so, after some reflection, one crisp Autumn afternoon I decided to give Daniel a complete puppy welcome.   He drove into the driveway and rather than wait for him to enter the house, which would be customary, I bound out the front door, ran to him (he was now standing beside his car), and I leapt up and onto him, wrapping my legs around his waist (fortunately he caught me).  He began to laugh as I kissed his face with multiple kisses.

At that precise moment, our neighbor across the street appeared at the end of his driveway.  This curmudgeonly neighbor, a man whom we had hardly ever seen in three years, came out at the precise moment that I was wrapped around Daniel like a koala bear on a tree. “Maybe you’d better take it inside,” he barked.

And so we did.

The purpose of this this sort of greeting is to break us out of the cycle of routine, dulled reunions. When we greet our beloved with a recognition of how precious they are to us, we feel more connected and they feel more beloved.   Hugging lowers our stress response and stimulates release of the ‘bonding’ chemical, oxytocin.  Do this everyday and you’ll begin to feel less stressed and more loved.

Expcerpted from the Newsletter,

“Still Waters:  Tools and Resources for Living Deeply”

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW is the author of

“Shortcuts to Inner Peace: 70 Paths to Everyday Serenity”

and

“Transcending Loss:  Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make it Meaningful”

One perspective that I found especially helpful was turning the idea of a bucket list on its head.  So many of us hold a mental check list, popularized by media such as The Bucket List film (starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson) and the “Places to see before you die . . . ” book series.  But Lee pointed out, upon facing his own death, that it really didn’t matter whether he had seen the Pyramids in Egypt or eaten Thai food in Thailand.

The only thing that really mattered to him was loving and being loved.  Period.  I suppose a life could be measured by accumulated vacations — and certainly, those experiences can be wonderful.  But at the end of the day (or the end of a life) love is all that really matters.  Have you put ‘love’ on your bucket list?

Expcerpted from the Newsletter,

 “Still Waters:  Tools and Resources for Living Deeply”

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW is the author of

“Shortcuts to Inner Peace: 70 Paths to Everyday Serenity”

and

 “Transcending Loss:  Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make it Meaningful”

As if this wasn’t enough, she can juggle these three screens while simultaneously doing ‘homework.’  It takes a virtual act of Congress to get her to stop all the screens, lock eyes with me, and give me her undivided attention.  And, I admit it, I’m not the most available person either when I get lost in my own agenda and my own thoughts.  

But what a pleasure when two people are actually present with each other.  With no internal or external distractions, it’s possible to be 100% available in the moment.  Being together in this way — laughing, touching, loving — that is truly a wonderful and increasingly rare gift.  

One of the primary reasons that psychotherapy is effective is that the undivided attention of the therapist is healing.  How many of us have our loved ones’ undivided attention for 50 minutes at a time?  This year for Christmas, all I want is presence . . . from all my loved ones.  In a time of multi-screens, uber-stimulations, and 24/7 distractions, I believe that presence is the most valuable present of all.  

Expcerpted from the Newsletter,

 “Still Waters:  Tools and Resources for Living Deeply”

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW is the author of

“Shortcuts to Inner Peace: 70 Paths to Everyday Serenity”

and

 “Transcending Loss:  Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make it Meaningful”

It’s true that Sarah’s love for her husband will be ever vibrant.  That love has infused itself into her being, allowing her to be the person she has become.  One task of healthy grieving is to cultivate a sustained relationship with the one who has died, an ongoing connection based on spirit and memory.

And yet it’s also true that Sarah’s relationship with her husband has changed.  Because his physical form is gone, she has space to create new physical relationships.  Even as she does this, she brings her husband’s love along with her.  

As she wiped her tears away, Sarah reflected, “I guess my husband opened my heart and now, it’s my choice to keep it open.”  Bringing the love and lessons of the past into the present, and then carrying them into the future is part of our journey as we grieve, grow, love, and continue to embrace life.

Expcerpted from the Newsletter,

 “Still Waters:  Tools and Resources for Living Deeply”

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW is the author of

“Shortcuts to Inner Peace: 70 Paths to Everyday Serenity”

and

 “Transcending Loss:  Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make it Meaningful”

From this new vantage point, I walked down the street, lifted things, touched things, saw life from the perspective of a 230 lb, 6′5″ male.  Through his eyes, I imagined his childhood as he experienced it.  I came home from work and greeted myself from his perspective.  It was, shall we say, eye opening.

The point of the exercise is to develop empathy and compassion for the other.  You can imagine a body exchange with anyone in your life - your boss, your children, your aging mother.  This really brings the idea of walking in another’s shoes to life. 

When we judge our loved one’s behavior from our own perspective, it is temptingly easy to blame or criticism them.  But this tendency softens when we discover the world through their eyes and in their skin.  Try this exercise for yourself and see if your relationships become more tender - and more peaceful.

Expcerpted from the Newsletter,

 “Still Waters:  Tools and Resources for Living Deeply”

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW is the author of

“Shortcuts to Inner Peace: 70 Paths to Everyday Serenity”

and

 “Transcending Loss:  Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make it Meaningful”

For me, I’m thrilled to launch a book (on 11/1/11) for the first time in a decade. Like other ‘million dollar moments’, this one is fraught with a complex mixture of excitement, exhaustion, expectation, and a little anxiety. And like most moments, it will come and it will go.

I have found that while the big moments stand out in memory, it’s actually the smaller ‘penny moments’ that really add richness to my life. Noticing and savoring simple pleasures - a cornflower blue sky, a hug from a loved one, a phone chat with an old friend, hot tea on a chilly evening - these offer cause for quiet jubilation. Life offers its gifts moment by ordinary moment.

A few years ago, my husband and I began choosing sparkling wine on our evening restaurant dates. Often the waiter will ask us if we are celebrating anything special. “Yes,” we answer, “This moment.” Let’s celebrate.

Expcerpted from the Newsletter,

 “Still Waters:  Tools and Resources for Living Deeply”

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW is the author of

“Shortcuts to Inner Peace: 70 Paths to Everyday Serenity”

and

 “Transcending Loss:  Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make it Meaningful”

Expcerpted from the Newsletter,

 “Still Waters:  Tools and Resources for Living Deeply”

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW is the author of

“Shortcuts to Inner Peace: 70 Paths to Everyday Serenity”

and

 “Transcending Loss:  Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make it Meaningful”

Yes, my beloved black cat, Clover, is my guru of calm.  He visits me in the morning and insists that I still my chattering mind to be present with him.  He calls me to the floor and meows quietly in my ear.  He rubs against me, rolls on his back, and gently invites me to be aware of just . . . this . . . moment.

I find that animals are masters of mindfulness.  They live in the now, in the present moment, with no worries and no judgment.  For me, this lesson is necessary over and over again.  Most of us race through our days, rushing with thoughts and projects, deadlines and activities.  And whether we are feeling delighted or stressed, we find it hard to just be present.

Living mindfully (alert and aware without judgment) is a skill we can cultivate.  It helps to have triggers during our day to remind us to pause and be still for a moment.  A trigger could be a ringing phone, a chirping bird or your first sip of coffee.  Or, if you’re lucky, you might have a Zen master to teach you with an insistent, persistent ‘meow.’

*I first read of a Cat described as ‘Zen master’ in Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth

Expcerpted from the Newsletter,

 “Still Waters:  Tools and Resources for Living Deeply”

Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW is the author of

“Shortcuts to Inner Peace: 70 Paths to Everyday Serenity”

and

 “Transcending Loss:  Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make it Meaningful”